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My Black Waltz

I've always been fascinated with the association betwen music, memory and emotion.

Today marks a very significant anniversary for me.

TOday 1 year ago my best friend and love of my life went on holiday. What I didn't realise at the time was that this was her way of leaving me.

To say I was broken couldn't come close to describing it. The abruptness of it all, to lost not only someone you love but also your best friend. Today also marks the day that I first listended to Avatar's Black Waltz, it will forever be associated in my mind not only my breakup album but also an album that illustrates how great pain can be transformative. How the end of the world could be the start of another better world. It is my losss, my anger, my pain. It's 'me' letting everything go and preparing myself into the next step of my life.

Thes are my impressions of the album. The meaning and feeling I drew from each song. Whether theyare the reatilyof the artiist or not I don't know but I know this was my reality.

Let Us Die

What will they take when everything's lost?

If you don't want us to live please let us die
There's so much pain

It's that dawning feeling that that world you have been living in, that perfect world may not be so perfect after all. You deny it and claw against the dread.

You make excuses for why she's cut contact, they're wearing so thin now you no longer can even pretend to believe them.

You have premonitions of your world falling down around you, the dark thoughts. If this wolrd dies what else is there to live for. Once you  lose everything important to you there is nothing else to lose.

"What will they take when everything's gone?"

But you're unsure you are on edge. You don't want it to end. The not knowing is driving you crazy. You can't sleep, you can't eat. You are going insane. For gods sake let me know!

"If you don't want us to live please let us die"

Let Us Die

Torn Apart

This is the first sudden realisation that things are not good and that my wort feelings maybe realised.

Cryptic out of character text message that you wa

How could this be? things eemed so perfect, what has changed in the last few days?

"We were supposed to take on the world but every day pulled us further"

We were both outcasts in our respective worlds. We were rejects but together accepted

"We'd gotten used of living in a world that doesn't want us around"

Realising that comforting words spoken before she left may not have been honest at all.

"Been looking through you from time to time, I see though all your lies"

The sheer sadness of what could be to come but still not really known. Whay can't you tell me? Have some respect for me please.

"Are we more than just apart? Are we lost right from the start? Just tell me!

Torn apart. Torn apart"

Torn Apart

In Napalm

Lost amongst a swell of pain I run though thousands of conversations in my head. I still have wasted hope mayne there is more to it? Maybe she's cheating or Maybe it's not our end, then I realise it is and I want to feel real physical pain to distract from the mental anguish. I want to die.

"Keep me forever, just give me a day in denial, grant me a wish, just a mistake? Grant me a fire to feel before its too late"

"Let me burn, place my soul in Napalm"


Ready for the RIde?

This is it, what you've been dreading and craving. 

A text message, finally confirming your fears. The relationship is over. 
Relief, finally you have an answer...10 seconds of relief because you are suddenly aware of the immense weight of mental torture that is about to come as the weight of what has happened starts to sink in. You are about to go on a crazy mental self destructive ride and you don't know how you are going to survive it. Ready?

" You say what you want, I know what I am doing, I DON'T WANT US TO BE GONE"

"Ready for the ride?!"

Ready for the Ride

Black Waltz

In amongst all this paing and hate and sorrow you finally decide you need to make a stand for your own sanity and try to gain some control over yourself. You tell yourself you are doing fine, you tell yourself you're doing amazing, you tell yourself you are going to be ok.

But its a lie. You say it but don't believe it. The pain consumes you, you are your insanity.

"Suddenly voices are everywhere!"

"I feel so wonderful, I am so beautiful, just smile, no one gets out alive"

Black Waltz


Anger, righteous anger.
How could you do this to me?
How could you treat not only your boyfriend bur your best friend this way. 
What kind of a monster are you? How could I be so fucken stupid to fall for someone as horrible inside as you?!



Let It Burn

"FInd a way to die, take a sip and twist it like a knife"

Fuck everything, fuck the world, fuck myself. Path of self destruction, I need to feel pain, burn the world, drown in my suffering.

"I like when it hurts, let it burn"

Let It Burn

One Touch

I'm starting to get a grip otogether but then I see hercar, driving past me and I fall immediately to pieces. 

I see her at a cafe with another guy, I die inside.

A facebook notification about an event she is going to, my day ruined, back to square one.

"One touch, its so cold and silent, why can't I stop from falling down?"

One Touch

Paint Me Red

Little miss J has a certain
Taste for chaos
Destroying fine art
Little miss J always tends
To find a way to fall
Little miss J cannot take
The shit shes given
Destroying fine art
She is fading away so fast
Destroying, destroy

Picture perfect
Picture black

Little miss J
Can I come in and play?
Cut my skin
Make me perfect
Paint me red
Another dark day
Can you help me miss J?
Cut my skin
Make me perfect
Paint me red

The realisation that maybe the problem wasn't entirely with me. What she did reveals more about the person she is than the person I am. She isn't a good person and she isn't well. I loved her but she lied and hurt me. 

That's not all though. I too am at fault. I ignored her massive issues but not loving myself enough to know that she was incredibly bad for me. The mere fact that I fell so hard for someone so horrible shows I have a desperate hollowness inside. I need to get away from her and everything that reminds me of her, my life depends on it.

Running out of time
Running out of here
Running out of sight
Running out of fear
I run
I run as fast as I can

Paint Me Red

Smells Like  A Freakshow

I was an outcast before I met her. Together we were a partnership and now we're gone. I'm now a freak, at my age, single in a small town. I need something to take the pain away to give me an escape, to make me feel normal again. But I know the consequence could be devastating so I restrain myself..this time.

"I need something to sedate me. But I can't afford the high. Give me something to help me escape. It smells like a freakshow"

Smells Like A Freakshow

Use Your Tongue

"No sleep for you
Time to wake up
Good morning
Rise and shine
Getting ready for the enemy
It's the calm before the storm
Hate your neighbor
Love your enemy
Use your tongue
To clean her wounds"

Looking back with perspective the times we had together weren't always so great. You can't see the issues up close, you can't see the woods from the trees.

We were both damaged from previous relationships. The small things I ignored were indicators of deep damage.

The affection fake. The intimacy a lie. I was a place holder to help her depression and likewise she filled a void in my soul.

We went through the motions, it wasn't love, it was need. 

I'm glad its done.

Use Your Tongue


This album is a marker of where I was at. Some tho thedarkest most horrible time of my life. Full of pain, hate and feelings of betrayal. It still hurts today but listening to the album, I notice how far I have come and I have genuine hope for th e future. Bad things happen in peoples lives. It's ok to be angry, its ok to grieve, to hate, to cry, to thinnk dark thoughts, to lose hope BUT you can't let those bad times define you in your life. Things do get better even when it doesn't seem like it.

Your life and happiness is trulyin your hands. Holding on to hate is like drinking poison and hoping the person you hate will die. Self pity is addictive and as damaging as crack. If you need help you can get it. People are out there to haelp and you should not feel any shame in reaching out. 

I was in a dark place but I've come out. Friends, family, counselling but most of all an inate send that I am in control of my own life. Bad thins happen, we can learn from them. I am in an infinitely better place now. I'm finally dealing with my shit which I have avoided for many years.

Listening to Black Waltz will always remind me of that and how grateful I am to be where I am today.